I’m backkkkkk

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2015 by emmapaynter

Woah! Hey guys, its been 2 years. Too long.

Current weight: 104 lbs. I am 5’4″. Last time I blogged I think I was around 120. I never want to see that number again. I had a friend call me out on my cutting but in a supportive way. It made me feel sick to my stomach, but was also really helpful. I know our relationship will never be the same though. Everything is so weird with us. Has anything like that ever happened to you? I just feel uncomfortable or like we are both hiding something from everyone else. It was easier when I was the only one hiding, but now she is too. My trichotilamania is really getting bad. I have bald patches on the back of my head. I hate how much I pull my hair and that it makes me so upset, yet I cannot stop. IT’S TERRIBLE! I need to stop. My parents are going to freak about my weight, cutting, and my bald spots, but I don’t know what to do about all of that. I have a therapist. She is about to be on maternity leave though. I have been less honest with her. Well, it’s not that I am not being as honest, I am just not telling her the full story. I hope all my followers are good and I hope I still have some followers. Feel free to comment and say hi.

Xx

Advertisements

On the spot

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 23, 2013 by emmapaynter

Today I was eating my dinner, 80 calories of corn and 70 calories of peas. My summer school roommates all decided to talk to me about my eating habits. I have just recently decided to tell people that I am trying to lose weight instead of avoiding the topic of weight loss, eating disorders, ect. 

Anyways 3 of my roommates are athletes and they decided to tell me the correct way to lose weight and they told me that since I went on a run that I should be eating meat or protein. Oh and apparently my body is in starvation mode (as if I didn’t already know that) BUT I have had success losing weight.

UGH. summer school is coming to an end and lately my stomach has been feeling bottomless and nothing fills me up. I am scared to death to weigh. I should have weighed today but I did not go to the gym after I ran 3 miles outside because I was too tired.

My other roommates are becoming more and more concerned and shady about me and I feel like shit because of this. I also feel so triggered to cut because I have eaten more last week and I hate myself for that. I HAVE TO WEIGH MYSELF TOMORROW. I just don’t know what I am going to do when I see the number.

another texting conversation

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on July 10, 2013 by emmapaynter

So here is a texting conversation I had with my suite mate from freshman year who had bulimia (her name is gracie). I texted her when I was at the beach last. I need your advice, so please respond.

me: you know when you leave the table because you have to throw up and then you come back and it is like the walk of shame because everyone knows that you were throwing up your dinner? yeah that is my life tonight.

gracie: you have no idea. and no matter what you do your eyes are always watery and it is a dead giveaway.

me: exactly and you just sip your water and try to ignore the sideways glances everyone is giving you because they know what you did. but nobody will say anythingto break the awkward silence and no one will say anything to you anyways because it is the same old shit. guess they would expect me to be able to eat more than my 5 fucking bites of pasta.

gracie: it’s ok. i know how you feel. i’ve been trying to get better but i feel like i’ve been gaining so much weight since i’ve been home and it’s just really hard. i’m just worried about you because of what your doctor said.

me: no i will be ok. i know you probably look the same or i am sure you are a healthy weight. i know it is hard but i was in recovery for almost a year for my longest time with a healthier mind and i was so much happier mentally and i felt like i had all my friends and my life back. i never wanted to be sick again even though i hated what my body looked like. please be careful. it is such a stupid thing. i am a the beach with one of the guys i dated and he has always looked down on me because i cannot seem to get my shit together. he has been judging me hardcore and i have tried telling him that i am sorry for not getting my shit together. i am not eve losing weight anymore so i know i will be alright. my metabolism is so fucked up.

gracie: just be safe emma. i would die if something happened to you.

me:you too alright? i just wish people would still have hope or still believe in me. everyone is tired of this shit. so am i but i cannot stop.

help me figure this out. I want her to be ok and I sort of want to be ok but I really don’t

long long weekend

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 10, 2013 by emmapaynter

so my best friend came and visited me from wednesday until sunday.

Here is a pic of us at a bar totally drunk on the fourth of july

Imageum is this picture really small or what? Anyways I had to eat as normally as I could which killed me because it made my stomach expand so now I am really hungry 24/7 and I cannot eat. Somehow I still lost 1 lb. from the day she came until the day after she left. hopefully I can lose 5 lbs this week. we will see.

I gave my friend a monogramed hat for her birthday and I got one too. here is a pic of us. I am the tan one. How am I fatter than her and she does not even have and eating disorder. God I am a failure.

Image

 

yeah. It sucks being the fat friend. I have also been super depressed since saturday. probably because I just keep feeling shittier about myself and I cannot seem to get my school work done.

Summer school really sucks. I had no idea I would hate it this much. I have run out of anxiety meds and I have no more refills on my prescription and I cannot get a hold of my psychiatrist.

I know I am going to cut tonight. It is the only way i can have a release. U G H. I cannot handle this. 

 

A texting converstation

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 29, 2013 by emmapaynter

Here is a conversation I had with one of my friends over text messages. It is about my eating disorder and my lack of progress in the recovery part. His name is Ross and I have known him for 6 years. He knows about my eating disorder and cutting. I was at the beach with him and my friend Dylan when we texted each other. Ross also does not drink and well we all know I consume a lot of booze.

me: “I am sorry I am drunk, and I am sorry I am not better yet.”

Ross: “No Emma. It’s a process. Process comes slowly. Just be patient. You’re doing great.”

me: “okay. I am sorry for not getting my shit together though you know. With my eating shit. I feel like I let you all down.I am sorry I am not better.”

Ross: “but you will be! I have no doubt about it!”

me: “okay. I am just sorry. I said by this time last year that I would be good and I am not so thank you for that understanding. Don’t you all give up on me. I hope one day to be good.”

Ross: “and that day will come very soon. If you need anything or anyone to talk to, you know Dylan and I are always here for you.”

me: “thank you. I do not want to disappoint you. One day I will be eating so normally I will almost finish my dinner and I won’t hurt myself or anything.”

Ross: “Emma, you need to realize that doing this kind of stuff to you does you no good. You are a smart, beautiful girl. You are tiny- too tiny in my opinion. but you can always get better. and you will get better. I realize it is mental and difficult to snap out of , but you also need to realize the long term benefits of trying your hardest to stop some of that bad habit. I’m not trying to be harsh or criticize- only tell you that you have a beautiful family, beautiful friends, and a wonderful future. the more you realize that, the more menial your negative acts will become in your daily life.”

me: ” Thank you. I really really appreciate it. I appreciate it so much because a lot of people do not care. they are just curious you know? thank you. Please do not remember this in the morning because I do not want it to be awkward, but i promise one day I will be able to eat like normal and not cut myself to pieces.”

Ross: ” sounds good. sleep well emma and call me or text me if you need anything.”

and that my friends is the end of our convo. what do you think?? I need input. Too bad I have no desire to recover. not now, who knows if I ever will.

 

destruction

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 29, 2013 by emmapaynter

So basically I went to babysit for a family and the parents were going to a party but figured they would eat dinner with the kids before. This meant I had to eat a plate the mother served me Pasta, a Hamburger, and a salad. We all ate together and I tried not to cry because I was on the 3rd day of my russian gymnast diet and this meant I failed it. There was no polite way to get out of this situation so I sucked it up. 

When I got home I just went into total self destruction mode. I cut for the first time in like 3 weeks, took extra sleeping pills (no enough to hurt myself, just enough so I would sleep for most of the next day.) anyways. I am full forcce back into my russian gymnast diet and I am so dreading seeing my best friend on wednesday.

How terrible is that? My eating disorder makes me dread seeing my best friend who bought an expensive plane ticket just so she could come visit me for a week. I am dreading seeing her because I will have to eat normally and I will not be able to work out a lot when she is here. UGH.

Anyways. I am worried I will not be able to lose 10 or 15 lbs while at summer school and that makes me extremely nervous. I also have a lot of food that I need to do something with. DAMN IT.

Summer school aka lose weight fat bitch

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 26, 2013 by emmapaynter

I just got all moved in to summer school. I weighed and it was bad. When I say bad I mean horrifying. I am taking an intro to religions class and I am taking salsa dancing for a PE credit. So basically I started the Russian Gymnast Diet. Today i my second day, and I will be finished July 2nd. I have also worked out every day here. I hope to lose 10lbs in a week….(not likely) maybe 8lbs?? Well, we will see.

The problem with all of this is that I am avoiding my friends and my cousins who live here. My cousin who is also one of my dear friends wants to get fro yo or whatever but I cannot do that. My best friend is coming to stay with me at summer school July 3rd- July 7th. I will have to eat as normal as I can around her but I am beyond scared. I also know I am going to have to go to my aunts house for dinner sometime soon and that freaks me out. Hopefully I can at least avoid everyone until July 3rd when my friend comes to town. I need excuses why I cannot eat with my cousin or get fro yo. It is freaking me out that the thought of getting frozen yogurt is already causing me such anxiety. DAMN.

The thing is, I just want to succeed with this diet so I know I can do whatever I set my mind to. If I broke one little part to get fro yo and then fast the next day or something like that I will have failed. And that is a huge fear in my life.

The funny thing is I am more stressed out about losing the weight than I am about my summer courses.